This blog post is really written with other IA parents in mind. Of course, anyone can read and contribute, but I am really hoping for some input from other adoptive moms.
Let me begin by saying we love Michelle's speech therapist! "J" is amazing, and she has done wonders with Michelle this year. We also love Mrs. Z and Mrs. C at preschool. We couldn't ask for better people to love Michelle and be her first teachers.
The speech therapist has been going into preschool for a few weeks, trying to work with Michelle outside of our home environment. Michelle normally does very well in school, but she has 2 things she doesn't really like - story time and music. I've sort of joked here about her not liking music, but I really do think some of this is outside Michelle's realm of control. Yes, there are going to be things in life she doesn't like, and yes, she must learn to control herself (as in, I get that she can't roll all over the floor and be disruptive during circle time. I really do get that!) However, I don't think story time/circle time and music are especially "3-year-old" friendly at this particular school. I've watched how they do both, and let's just say, I would do things differently. In the words of Forest Gump, "That's all I have to say about that."
So here's what happened - last week while "J" was in preschool with Michelle, all the same behavior began again. They were having story time, and Michelle began the rolling around business again. So "J" told her if she wanted to have snack later, she better behave during story time or she wouldn't be able to have snack.
I guess this brought the desired response - Michelle sat up and listened much better. Mrs. Z reported all this to me, and I couldn't really read what her thoughts were on the whole situation. To be honest, it took me a little while to process what my thoughts were on the situation.
Here's the thing - I'm not o.k. with Michelle having food used as a form of discipline. We don't know a lot about Michelle's time in the orphanage, but I am certain of this - when she arrived in our home she was certainly malnourished, and I believe undernourished as well. Her hair and skin were incredibly dry, she ate with such vigor it scared us, and she was wearing size 12 months even though she was almost 2 and a half years old. It took a long time for her to trust us with food. It took a while before she realized it was o.k. to leave food on her plate, that we would feed her again soon. It took her a long time to be more excited about the happy meal toys than the french fries. (Yes, we go to McDonald's - please don't judge me!)
So, today when "J" came for her speech therapy at our home, I addressed this with her and told her it wasn't o.k. with me. She was very apologetic, and I assured her I knew she would never intentionally harm Michelle. Yet I still feel uneasy about the whole situation.
The reality of it is this - I want my daughter to be treated like everyone else. I don't want her to have to be sad when they bring in baby pictures to school and we don't have any of her. (O.K., we do have one very fuzzy black&white finding ad picture - does that count?) I don't want to have to explain to the teacher that it's not o.k. to put her in time out, because we don't really know if she was isolated in the orphanage, but suspect she may have been and don't think it's a good idea. I want her to grow up as normal as possible. And yet, I know in some ways she is different from other children. She didn't have anyone who loved her, who held her at night when she went to sleep, who gave her love and attention and food when she was a baby.
I know there are lots of moms who have gone this road before me. Do you always have to remind teachers, for the rest of their lives, that they might just need a little different consideration? Do you make a point of having these conversations before they arrive, or do you just wait and encounter them as each situation arrives? It's not always as easy as it might first appear.
6 years ago
4 comments:
Midge -
I do know what you're talking about, but I also struggle with being viewed as the Mom who excuses behaviors or expects special treatment because her kids are adopted. How do we strike a balance?!
When Carson had an assignment in Kindergarten..."When I was a baby"...my heart sank. I discussed it with his teacher and she felt awful. Awful. But it was just an assignment and I think I made it a bigger deal than it was for Carson. Not having baby pictures of him where he wasn't on a Chinese woman's lap, we made his "When I was a baby" picture a map of China. And we made the caption say, "When I was a baby, I lived in China." Then, "When I was a toddler, I joined my Forever Family." Problem solved. Carson thought it was cool that his was the only project with a map on it.
The whole "food as punishment" is a struggle in our house -- Daddy always wants to use that and it just feels wrong to me.
Let's face it, Midge, we signed up for this rough job called Motherhood and we'll just have to muddle through it together. Thank goodness for blogs, and advice, and shared experiences. We'll help one another through!!
Teresa =)
As a teacher and mommy, I know that (teacher speaking) things will often be assigned without thinking through all children's situations. As a mommy and adopted mommy at that, I think through things differently than I use to. For example, when talking about inherited traits and behavioral, adoptive issues are brought up in my classroom as to not isolate students and make them feel odd for not having the inherited traits of their parents (hair, eye, etc)
Being a mommy has made me a better teacher in many regards. I was a pretty strict disciplinarian premommy. I still have firm guidelines and expectations but realize some things I HAD TO HAVE MY WAY are really trivial.
NOW as mommy of adoptive kiddos, I think your issues will slowly diminish with time. Elementary builds on the home life and family history so much but the curriculum normally gets less personal as they grow up. Also our little ones have a bigger voice to speak out as they leave elementary school. Right now, you are her voice-- talk to the teacher -- definitely! If she is caring like you say, she doesn't realize what effect she might be having and would not want to have any negative impact on Michelle. With Samuel, I address certain issues from the start and have had little problems. Thankfully his teachers have been receptive and fantastic. I know I rambled but I hope this helped.
- Heather
one more thing--offer suggestions to the teacher of appropriate punishments for misbehavior in Michelle's situation so the teacher doesn't get the idea that you are just anti-discipline
Midge, I'm not the mom of an adopted child, but I am the mom of a child who is very different from "normal" kids. Cami rolls around on the floor and makes cat noises when she is sensory-overloaded and can't do what she's being asked to do. She wants to obey, but sitting still and quiet is sometimes absolute torture for her.
I'm so glad we homeschool now. Not because now Cami can do anything she wants to, but because now Cami can learn the way God designed her to learn: by touching, feeling, sometimes tasting (not a good idea with wild bamboo, btw)--by sticking her hands in it, by talking about it over and over.
You might have to speak for Michele now, but you can teach her to use her words to explain to adults. Now, they might not listen--we've had that happen recently--But you've empowered her not only with understanding of herself, but also with the truth of Psalm 139: 14: she can praise God because she is fearfully and wonderfully made. His works are wonderful, and Michele can know that full well.
You have the Mommy Power, Midge! Because Jesus has equipped you to be this little girl's mommy. He will love her through you. . .He teaches her through you. . .You go, girl!
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